Glossary
Extracted from the e-edition of the Merrimont-Webster Dictionary, The Firm's authoritative reference text.
A
AutoBoy: An advanced PDA feature. Access restricted.
B
BBE (British-Business-Efficiency): Performance metric used to evaluate the London Division. Currently at GBP+0.4%.
Bolivian Rhino Powder: A proprietary stimulant credited for The Firm outpacing every rival since 1979. Sourced from powdered rhinoceros horn and distributed internally under various product names — including Guru George's Rhinoceros Horn Initiative and the reformulated Clarity Formula A of 1985, whose label listed the ingredient as "Granulated Horn Substitute." Regulatory encounters have been frequent.
Booming: How business is going.
Business months: Time unit for measuring corporate cycles. Duration and conversion to standard calendar months is unnecessary, as the definition is self-evident.
Business Positivity: Philosophy championed by Guru George, High Prince of the discipline. Adherents believe that the manifestation of higher prices will indubitably lead to their occurrence. Not to be confused with optimism, which lacks the rigour.
C
Catch of the Day: Jeffrey's regular phishing awareness seminar. Waders mandatory.
The Chairman: See personnel file.
The Channel: The Firm's discussion space. Access requires e-Onboarding and adherence to Conduct Guidelines.
cMail: Computerized Message And Internet-based Letter-box. A technologically advanced system for sending and receiving communiqués and e-correspondence.
Cohort: Groups of employees who joined The Firm around the same time. Displayed on e-ID cards.
Communiqué: An official company-wide announcement.
Computer Operator: One who operates a computer in a professional capacity. A rare and mystifying talent.
D
Demerit: A negative HP event. The precise conditions under which demerits are issued need not be published, as they are self-evident.
E
e- (prefix): Fifth or possibly sixth letter of the Roman alphabet, and The Firm's convention for all digital activities. Applied consistently across employee communications and systems. The precise significance is unclear but widely accepted as Good for Business. See individual entries below.
e-ID card: Digital employee identification card. Each one lovingly and personally digitally hand-signed on behalf of The Chairman.
e-Onboarding: The Firm's digital onboarding process.
e-provide: To provide, digitally.
e-Signature: A digital signature.
e-speaking: Speaking digitally. Linda: "Hello, this is Linda from HR e-speaking."
Early Associate: One of the first batch of employees who joined The Firm.
Enlightenment Session: A private consultation between The Chairman and Guru George, typically conducted in the executive washroom. Known to restore The Chairman's composure during periods of heavy success.
F
FAO: "For the Attention Of" — obviously.
Firmadecimal: A base-14 number system for applied business mathematics, devised by F.J. Merrimont. Digits: 0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-F-I-R-M. Not widely adopted.
G
gm-ers: Employees or outsiders who use low-effort greetings such as "gm" in The Channel, in violation of Communication Norms. Berating gm-ers is both encouraged and HP-eligible. For a sense of the severity with which this practice is regarded, kindly refer to Gordon Whitman's remarks on the matter.
H
HorsePower (HP): The Firm's performance metric, named for The Chairman's deeply equestrian upbringing. Determines rank, access, and influence. Earned through tasks, channel activity, meetings, sharing communiqués, and other measurable contributions. Lost through demerits.
I
Inspirational Quote: Words of wisdom from The Chairman Himself.
K
Kidneys: A valuable, but somewhat dispensable, internal organ. Default: 2.
Kinoshita Genomic Partners: Disgraced Osaka-based biotechnology firm implicated in the Haneda Incident, wherein a refrigerated diplomatic pouch containing various forms of The Chairman's DNA — both liquid and illiquid — was intercepted by authorities. Suspected of planting covert operatives among The Firm's new hires under the guise of "private genome consultations."
Kiribati Outpost: See location.
M
MerriMassage™: Range of therapeutic massage chairs conceived by F.J. Merrimont. The MerriMassage 3 model was overclocked by Jeffrey in May 2002; all units were recalled by July 2022. Litigation pending (see Timeline).
Merrimont-Webster Dictionary: The Firm's authoritative reference text, compiled under the auspices of The Chairman. Defines business terminology in a way, way cooler way than conventional dictionaries.
Mackerel Futures: Pioneering financial instrument conceived by Gerald "Gerry" Prescott. Cornerstone of The Firm's reputation for innovation at scale. High-frequency mackerel trading is currently under exploration following executive-level inspiration. The instrument's volatility has claimed at least one leveraged position — mackerel are, as Gordon notes, "a tricky beast to time. Slippery in both market and temperament."
Magnate: A non-employee VIP who receives a personal invitation from The Chairman to The Firm's inner circle.
Memo: The formal communication format at The Firm, addressed to divisions with dates and reference lines.
P
Pager Distribution Meltdown, The: An incident of uncontainable employee enthusiasm during pager rollout, necessitating break room provisions of inhalers and cold flannels. R.I.P. Graham S. See Timeline.
Papaya OS: The Chairman's personal computer operating system concept, conceived without the use or ownership of a personal computer. "Apple" is considered an inferior imitation.
Paperless Printers: Printers installed at The Firm that cannot produce paper output. Status: experiencing unforeseen difficulties.
PDA (PDA Digital Assistant): The Firm's main employee interface, deployed as a Farcaster miniapp. Handles onboarding, HP tracking, employee profiles, cMail, and The Channel.
Peso Infinito: A recursive monetary framework engineered during the 1972 Argentina venture. Performed so well that several regional banks collapsed. The formula remains sealed in a vault; the only key hangs from The Chairman's neck.
Private Synergy: An annual end-of-year convening of senior leadership at The Chairman's Aspen lodge. Officially categorised as a strategic alignment exercise. The lodge is, per Legal, not the property cited in Senate hearings examining executive tax treatment, asset domicile, or disputed claims of corporate utility.
S
Strategic Marital Holdings: Entity operated by Veronica Love, targeting Firm employees with unsolicited romantic propositions. Intercepted by cMail firewall. Gordon Whitman's terminal — and his immune system — required rebooting following one such engagement.
Supply Cupboard 7C: Restricted storage facility. No perishables are permitted. No "regional partners" are permitted. Further access policies are on a need-to-know basis.
Synergy: Both a concept and an entire department.
T
Tremendous: A descriptor befitting The Chairman's wisdom and power. Usage: widespread, mandatory where applicable.
25/7: The Firm's operating schedule, made possible by the Kiribati Outpost's UTC+13 operations.
V
Vault Room: Secure filing location for employee Vulnerability Reports. Has not been breached in almost 7 months.
Vulnerability Reports: Filed for all new employees during e-Onboarding. Employees are strongly encouraged to disclose all weaknesses. Reports are stored in the Vault Room.
W
Walls Street Horse, The: A golden horse statue erected outside The Office on Walls Street in honour of Cayman Mist, The Chairman's prize racehorse. Comparable in civic stature to certain bovine monuments found on lesser streets.
White Japanese Matcha: A proprietary stimulant developed and patented by The Firm during the 1980s. Subsequently shut down by the DEA following nationwide hysteria and competitor propaganda.
Symbols
𓃗: Emoticon adopted firm-wide in memoriam of Cayman Mist, The Chairman's prize racehorse. A golden statue in his likeness also stands outside The Office on Walls Street.