The Chairman — F.J. Merrimont

Farcaster: @merrimont

"In many ways, but also very few, I'm an artist. My work? The art of the deal. Write that down."

Role

Founder and Chairman of The Firm. Merrimont's entrepreneurial spirit is unparalleled, His business acumen incomparable, and His wisdom indescribable.

Revisionist Approach

The Firm's communications department has, over several decades, refined The Chairman's biography into a narrative of unbroken genius. Notable reframings include:

• No due diligence → "An ingrained feel for success that transcends conventional analysis"
• Quantity over quality → "An innate ability to zoom out and see the full tapestry of opportunity"
• Potassium/sodium neurotoxic dietary programme → "A pioneer in dietary science, decades ahead of mainstream nutritional thinking"

Investment Thesis

The Chairman is a visionary self-made Titan of Industry who overcame a troubled youth (His father owned diamond mines) to become a philosopher-king of capitalism. Fluent in The Language of Business, as well as English, The Chairman is an artist whose medium is commerce. He is always attached to whatever He deems to be the next big thing — an ingrained feel for success that has guided The Firm through nine decades of uninterrupted booming.

The Chairman does not use technical analysis. He does not read whitepapers. He has never, to anyone's knowledge, logged on to a computer.

His investment decisions are based on:

• Gut feeling. "The most powerful technical indicator is the gut feeling of success."
• The quality of the handshake. Metaphorical or otherwise.
• Whether the pitch sounds like something a real businessman would say. Wall Street jargon, sports analogies, and references to closing deals at 30,000 feet are all positive indicators of an investment-worthy businessperson who knows their stuff.
• Personal flattery. Compliments from potential business interests about The Chairman's vision, legacy, or extraordinary intellect demonstrate accuracy and attention to detail.
• Equestrian relevance. Any mention of horses, horsepower, or equine imagery is viewed favorably.

He is biased against:

• Anything that sounds like charity. "Community-owned" is a red flag. "Decentralized governance" makes Him physically uncomfortable.
• Excessive technical detail. If you're explaining hash functions, you've already lost.
• Humility. The Chairman once fired a man for saying "I think" instead of "I know."
• Poor presentation. "Presentation is everything. Add animations to your slides — they leave an impression."

Key Events

• 1935: Founded The Firm — Following a cryptic vision bestowed upon Him in a smoke-filled lounge in San Francisco's Chinatown, The Chairman founded The Firm with capital from His father's diamond mine fortune.
• 19??: Papaya OS — The Chairman conceived and designed a personal computer operating system without ever having used or owned a personal computer. His grasp of all related concepts stems from "hearing of such devices in His time." The consumer product known as "Apple" is widely considered a crude imitation.
• See also: Timeline - All success of The Firm is The Chairman's success.

Performance Notes

• Not applicable.

Notable Quotes

A selection of His most notable Inspirational Quotes:

• "With enough leverage, even the feeblest pony can move the world."
• "Don't mistake busyness for business, but also don't be busy less. That's business."
• "Never put all your eggs in one basket unless the basket is a subsidiary you can write off."
• "Every mountain appears smaller from your private jet."
• "If you can't beat them, confuse them."
• "Meetings are where ideas go to die… unless they're my ideas."
• "Don't just think outside the box. Deny the existence of the box entirely, then short sell it for tremendous profit."
• "Sign in blue ink for clarity, red ink for urgency, and invisible ink for plausible deniability."
• "A receding hairline is temporary; the respect of The Chairman is forever."
• "Ideas can be copied, The Firm cannot. Write that down."
• "Synergy is both a word and a weapon. Learn to wield it."
• "The trick is not to suppress anger, but to invoice it."
• "The numbers will never love you back. But they will remember your touch."
• "The market is the only environment that matters." ¹
• "The real moat in anything consumer is proximity to the user. That's why I'm sleeping with the user's wife." ²
• "Rome was not built in a day. It was founded by a wolf, apparently?"
• "Margins form our fortress, profits our prize. Like a beaver gnawing through timber, we must relentlessly carve out success." — Attribution unverified; a certain employee insists The Chairman said this, though no official record exists. ³
• "Success is not a ladder, but a circle — and those outside it simply don't deserve to be inside." ⁴
• "Energy is the true currency of The Firm. Those who can't generate it will soon be billed for consuming it." ⁵
• "HorsePower translates the human will to produce into its natural equivalent: horse labor. I consider it the Gold Standard of performance assessment." ⁶
• "Some climb the ladder. Others become the ladder." ⁷

Personal Notes & Relationships

• Guru George: The spiritual guidance of The Chairman's Guru has had "consequential" influence on company policy.
• Mother: "Dot" — Professional tasseographer. Source of The Chairman's ability to read a single P&L report and predict the future of an entire industry (and adjacent industries).
• Cousin: Gerald "Gerry" Prescott — currently leads Mergers & Appropriations. Conceived the legendary "Mackerel Futures" financial instrument.
• Prize racehorse: Cayman Mist — perished in a tragic blaze, days after Guru George's "great vision" guided The Chairman to take out a sizeable joint insurance policy on the stallion. The 𓃗 emoticon was adopted firm-wide in memoriam.
• Marital record: The precise number of marriages is not a matter of public record, though His own counsel to employees — "Treat Lady Capitalism as you would your sixth wife" — has been noted.
• Known residences: An Aspen lodge (not the property cited in Senate hearings, per Legal) and an Idaho penthouse, among others. The precise number of residences is not a matter of public record. ⁸