Departments

An incomplete list of notable departments at The Firm.

Department of Ants

[REDACTED]

Computer Operations Division

Develop, maintain, and resolve.

The Computer Operations Division is The Firm's technology infrastructure department. The division develops and maintains all of The Firm's advanced systems including the PDA, cMail, and AutoBoy. All application errors and feedback route to the division, despite repeated pleas. Technological crises are on average resolved within one to 17.5 business days — a 1.2% improvement on last quarter, putting the department on track to reach an average crisis resolution time of 5.2 nanoseconds by 2456.

Notable Personnel:

• Jeffrey — Computer Operator (Dept Head)

Budget Utilization and Cash Kinetics (B.U.C.K.)

Utilize budgets. Achieve cash kinetics.

Budget Utilization and Cash Kinetics is responsible for the kinetic deployment of budgetary resources across The Firm's operational spectrum. The department ensures that all allocated funds are utilized with maximum velocity and minimum deliberation.

Consolidated Diversifications

Consolidate diversifications. Diversify consolidations. Repeat as necessary.

Consolidated Diversifications manages the ongoing process of consolidating diversified assets and diversifying consolidated holdings. The department operates at the intersection of these two strategic imperatives.

Notable Personnel:

• Pripley Heston Donaldson — Sr Jr Assoc Dir, Orthogonal Acquisitions ¹

Cryptocommodity Viability & Awareness

Contemplate cryptocommodities. Maintain awareness. Monitor the situation.

Cryptocommodity Viability & Awareness is tasked with the contemplation, assessment, and general awareness of cryptocommodity viability across The Firm's expanding digital portfolio. The department operates at times with both exaggerated caution and fearless aplomb.

Notable Personnel:

• Brock Harris — Senior Contemplator

East Asian Avian Division

Oversee all avian operations east of the Urals.

The East Asian Avian Division manages all avian assets across the East Asian theatre. The division was established in 1939 when The Firm was contracted by the British Monarchy for Operation "Regal Airlift" — the transatlantic delivery of eight FJM-Cygnus Royale swans for breeding purposes. Post-war expansion into Japanese Tumbler pigeon investments during the 1940s cemented the division's portfolio.

Global Opportunity Calibration

Calibrate global opportunities to ensure alignment with The Firm's strategic and unstrategic objectives.

Global Opportunity Calibration is responsible for identifying, measuring, and calibrating opportunities across all markets and territories in which The Firm operates and does not operate. Calibration is performed on a quarterly basis using proprietary methodology.

High-Frequency Market Penetration

Rapidly penetrate markets. Volume and velocity are key performance indicators.

High-Frequency Market Penetration focuses on rapid, high-volume market entry across multiple sectors. The department combines algorithmic efficiency with aggressive market positioning.

Human Resources

Ensure all humans are processed, documented, and reminded of the rules.

Human Resources oversees personnel onboarding, policy enforcement, and compliance across The Firm. The department maintains the Personnel e-Rolodex and issues all formal incident reports, communiqués, and company-wide announcements.

Notable Personnel:

• Linda Miller-Walker — HR Department Representative

Infinite Yield Solutions

Optimize earnings interminably.

Infinite Yield Solutions is dedicated to providing scalable yield enhancement strategies across The Firm's portfolio. The department works toward maximizing returns without upper bound.

Investment Post-Rationalization

Produce post-investment rationale and supporting analysis for completed transactions.

Investment Post-Rationalization provides retrospective analysis and justification for The Firm's investment decisions. The department ensures that all investments, once made, are supported by comprehensive documentation demonstrating their strategic merit.

JP Minerals

[MANDATE PENDING]

JP Minerals operates as a specialized division within The Firm's mineral portfolio for some reason. The "JP" designation obnoxiously references the division's founding patron. JP Minerals may share operational overlap with the Speculative Minerals department because it doesn't really belong as a department and its head is a buffoon. Note: @Bigeon, 'obnoxiously' is a subjective opinion that does not belong in this summary. Kindly remove yr. sensationalized edits. - Linda

Notable Personnel:

• J.P. Goldman — Dept Head

Manifest Fulfillment

[MANDATE REDACTED]

Manifest Fulfillment oversees the end-to-end fulfillment of manifests, manifestos, and other manifested obligations across The Firm's operational footprint.

Mergers & Appropriations

Identify what The Firm needs. Consume it.

Mergers & Appropriations handles The Firm's expansion through the identification and appropriation of external assets, companies, and resources. The department manages all merger activity and oversees appropriation logistics.

Notable Personnel:

• Gerald "Gerry" Prescott — Division head
• Nurt Baglard — VP ²

Pixel Manipulation

Proudly reporting +722.3% YoY increase in total pixel count across all horizontals.

Pixel Manipulation is a specialized division responsible for the design and manipulation of pixels across The Firm's digital assets, interfaces, and systems. The department operates under a strict 512-color policy. ³

Notable Personnel:

• Barry B. Bigeon — Dept Head
• "Big Sal" — Union Rep

Department of Precocious Metals

Identify and nurture metals with an "indomitable spirit".

The Department of Precocious Metals oversees The Firm's portfolio of metals showing early and advanced market potential. These metals have demonstrated a remarkable tendency to outperform expectations before conventional analysts have even identified them. Not to be confused with Speculative Minerals, which operates in a pre-confirmation capacity.

Precarious Asset Bundling

Package assets into composite instruments, with a focus on reframing tenuous and high-risk-unknown-return ventures.

Precarious Asset Bundling is responsible for identifying, packaging, and distributing asset bundles across The Firm's portfolio. The precarious nature of the assets is acknowledged in the department name and reflected in the department's risk-forward approach to financial product design.

Speculative Minerals

Confirmation of mineral existence is not a prerequisite for speculation.

Speculative Minerals manages The Firm's portfolio of mineral assets, including those in early-stage discovery and pre-confirmation phases. The Firm's mineral speculation activities date back to The Chairman's father's diamond mining operations.

Spontaneous Legislative Iteration

Iterate spontaneously. Legislate accordingly.

The Department of Spontaneous Legislative Iteration is responsible for the creation, amendment, and spontaneous revision of internal policy across The Firm. The department's legislative output has at times faced criticism for its reactive processes,⁴ but new internal ruling has since banned this form of criticism.

Synergy

Generate, maintain, and distribute synergy.

The Synergy department ensures that synergistic value is generated across all Firm operations. Synergy is treated as a standalone discipline at The Firm, with dedicated staff, KPIs, and deliverables.

The number of departments at The Firm is unknown as new departments emerge with alarming frequency as uppity middle managers vie for funding and autonomy. Unauthorized plaques and handwritten notes regularly appear on cubicles, supply closet doors, and sofas in the break room asserting their appropriation by the heads of newly-spun-up departments that may not even last one business week.