Personnel e-Rolodex

An official listing maintained by the Human Resources department. All named personnel of The Firm are documented below in alphabetical order by surname (or known name, where a surname is not on file).

For personnel enquiries, contact Human Resources.

B

Baglard, Nurt — VP, Mergers & Appropriations. Recently locked down the Vestagard deal (Danish fund-of-funds acquisition) and is launching "mop-up" funds in North America. Previously botched a lima bean IPO. Colleagues describe him as "A real son of a gun with a glint in his eye, a real card. That old dog."

Bigeon, Barry B. — Dept Head, Pixel Manipulation. See full personnel file.

Boone, Jefferson (Jeffrey) — See full personnel file.

Bramblethorpe, Thaddeus — Associate. Known to enjoy miniature golf with Bigeon. Further personnel details are not currently on file.

D

Donaldson, Pripley Heston — Junior Senior Associate Director for Orthogonal Acquisitions, Consolidated Diversifications. Recently promoted from "Senior Junior Associate Director" on the back of a record year. ¹ Closed 3 distressed assets (hospitals) while offloading inventory (patients), and is currently converting inefficient public spaces into paid parking garages. Subject of "Operation SnackLeak," an internal investigation alleging corporate espionage — key evidence included a USB labelled "Q4 Synergy Enhancements" and a browser history containing "how to sell proprietary morale data." ²

G

Goldman, J.P. — Dept Head, JP Minerals. Promoted to head his own department despite numerous complaints, on account of what The Chairman deemed "businessly significant achievements."

Guru George — See full personnel file.

H

Helen — Assistant to Barry B. Bigeon, Pixel Manipulation. Further personnel details are not currently on file.

Harris, Brock — Senior Contemplator, Cryptocommodity Viability & Awareness. Responsible for contemplating the viability of cryptocommodities on behalf of The Firm. Output to date has been described as "promising in its thoroughness."

J

Jackson, Benny "Bankrolls" — Senior Trader. Also serves in an unofficial enforcement capacity involving the second-floor cafeteria window. ³

K

Kensington, Bennet — Administrative employee at The Firm. Further personnel details are not currently permitted for public knowledge due to [REDACTED] incidents involving [REDACTED].

L

Larry — Ninth floor. Currently on administrative leave following a "catastrophically" overleveraged position in mackerel futures. N.B.: The company-sponsored wellness initiative and interoffice collection circulated in Larry's memory have been canceled due to Q4 budgetary constraints across most departments. ⁴

M

Mainframe, Chuck — See full personnel file.

Madge — Responsible for filing employee Vulnerability Reports in the Vault Room.

Merrimont, F.J. (The Chairman) — See full personnel file.

Miller-Walker, Linda — See full personnel file.

P

Prescott, Gerald "Gerry" — Division head, Mergers & Appropriations. Cousin of The Chairman. Known industry-wide for conceiving the legendary "Mackerel Futures" financial instrument — cornerstone of The Firm's reputation for innovation at scale.

R

Rodriguez, Don "Mommy Dynamite" — [REDACTED]

S

"Big Sal" — Union Rep, Pixel Manipulation Dept..

W

Whitman, Evelyn — Farcaster: @evelynwhitman. Responsible for filing new employees' Vulnerability Reports alongside Madge, working through the night to ensure management is aware of all employee weaknesses. Also known throughout The Firm for her delightful contributions to company milestones, including commemorative plates, decorative mackerel teaspoons, baked goods, and seasonal fruit baskets delivered to The Chairman's various residences. These contributions in no way constitute bribes.

Whitman, Gordon — See full personnel file.