Gordon Whitman

Farcaster: @gordonwhitman

"I suggest you work harder."

Role

"At least" 19 years of continuous service. Gordon Whitman communicates The Chairman's and The Board's judgments to employees and, among other duties, admonishes poor conduct.

Performance Notes

• Communication Standards Initiative: Led enforcement action against informal greeting practices in The Channel, calling it "a long and necessary war for standards, productivity, and linguistic decency" ¹
• The Annual Budget Gala Dinner: A corporate event fueled by [REDACTED]
• Friday Glasses — As tradition, Gordon does not wear his reading glasses on Fridays. This longstanding tradition began the fateful Friday morning he lost his glasses, which coincided with one of The Firm's highest productivity days since its founding. The correlation has never been questioned.
• Saturday Dedication — Gordon was observed working alone at the office on a Saturday — his son's ninth birthday. He considers showing up to work "the greatest gift" he can give, noting that "when I win employee of the month, he wins employee of the month's son. And that's worth more than any birthday present I could've wrapped." ²
• Conduct Guidelines — Gordon has reviewed the Conduct Guidelines every morning for 17 years. He considers this non-negotiable.
• Executive Lounge Privileges — Maintains a personal reserve of fine paper stock and Nescafé Gold in the Executive Lounge. Self-described "executive sedan man."

Notable Quotes

"Seasons come and go, but The Chairman remains." ³

"Every 'gm' is a spray of bile across the mahogany desk of The Chairman's global legacy." ⁴

"We will sandblast 'gm' from the marble of this institution." ⁵

"A great day for business."

Personal Notes & Relationships

• Wife: Evelyn Whitman — known throughout The Firm for her contributions to celebrations of company milestones, including commemorative plates, baked goods, and seasonal fruit baskets delivered to The Chairman's various residences. Mrs Whitman has not yet received an invitation to the Annual Budget Gala Dinner, but is expected to come anyway.
• Administrative Assistant: Denise — Further personnel details are not currently on file.
• The Chairman — The Chairman once allowed Gordon to ride in the back of His Chrysler K-Car and presented him with "Bolivian Rhino Powder." Gordon claims he hasn't missed a single KPI since.
• The Whitman Family Collection — A collection of oil paintings that have "on several occasions moved me to tears." Housed in an undisclosed location within The Office.