Workforce Information & Knowledge Index

Guru George

"Guru George has requested that we disable this function to promote more positivity within the workplace."

Role

Quoted from a recent Forbes 60-Under-60 Article:

A 50-something shamanic gentleman of unknown origin, Guru George surfaced as an influential figure at The Firm in the late 1980s and has rarely left The Chairman's side since. He appears to serve as consigliere, spiritual guide, and close friend, holding the unique designation of "Guru" within The Firm's organizational structure. He is widely recognized as the High Prince of the Business Positivity school of philosophy, whose central tenet holds that the manifestation of higher prices will indubitably lead to their occurrence. Guru George has sufficient influence to shape company-wide policy, raising worrying questions for [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] hot water."

Performance Notes

  • Positivity Initiatives: Successfully lobbied to promote positivity in the workplace by disabling message deletion across The Firm's cMail system. This success was won in the face of significant protest from delirious Computer Operations personnel (no longer employed at The Firm) who sowed dissent with accusations of a supposed "censorious regime of mass surveillance." Employees are expected to successfully report increased sense of positivity as a result.
  • Rhinoceros Horn Initiative — In previous periods when quarterly KPIs were on the line, Guru George recommended powdered rhinoceros horn to provide staff with "an extra boost of testosterone" resulting in marked improvements to employee virility.
  • Enlightenment Sessions — Private consultations between Guru George and The Chairman. Rhinoceros horn-based therapeutics are known to restore The Chairman's composure during periods of heavy success. The sessions are now a fixture of The Firm's executive calendar. Housekeeping has been advised not to discuss post-session conditions.
  • Cayman Mist Vision — Guru George's great vision guided The Chairman to take out a sizeable joint insurance policy on His prize racehorse, Cayman Mist, days before the stallion perished in a tragic blaze. The precise details of the policy remain undisclosed.

Notable Quotes

  • "The future is yesterday's promise… tomorrow."
  • "If you can't beat the system, be the system."
  • "Every setback is just a step back, forward."
  • "Success is just failure in reverse."
  • "The greater fool is the greatest winner."